Dear Eric: I had concerns similar to those of “About to Lock the Door,” who was inundated with houseguests and feeling overwhelmed.
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Knowing hotel costs are a major issue, my husband and I offer our home and kitchen to out-of-town friends, who can then buy groceries and make their own meals. They are welcome to the house as if it was their own, but I will not be cooking or entertaining them.
We offer a list of things to do and arrange for one day to join them, with the understanding that the rest of the time we will be doing our own thing. We usually offer the use of one of our cars, so they are free to go wherever they wish without having to rent one.
It’s all about how it is presented. This offer has been graciously accepted every time.
– Happy Host
Dear Host: This is very conscientious. Communicating about what you can and can’t offer surely saves a lot of headaches all around. And out-of-towners likely appreciate the tips and suggestions from someone in the know.
Dear Eric: We recently hosted a relative and his wife for a few days. They are longtime friends of ours, and their children are our children’s contemporaries.
During their visit, the wife talked incessantly, sharing stories about their family members in great detail. In our efforts to reciprocate with some updates about our family, the wife would interject within a sentence or two of our contribution to hijack the conversation back to talking about her family.
These folks are good-natured and well-intentioned, but don’t seem to have a clue as to how their conduct left us exhausted and feeling ignored. There was absolutely no interest or curiosity in what we might be doing, thinking or experiencing.
We welcome your advice as to how or whether to say something or just let it go and limit future contacts.
– So Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: Try to split the difference. A conversation about what went wrong may not get you far, since none of you can go back and redo the visit. But you don’t have to just let it or the friendship go or limit your time with them, if you don’t really want to.
The next time they want to visit, suggest a different way of interacting. You can even mention that the last time they came, you got a lot of great updates about their family and their lives, but that you’d love to be able to share back and forth more.
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This problem may be an issue of the relatives being overeager or proud or not having conversational skills that align well with yours. It may be useful, then, to set yourselves up for success with talking prompts, like a get-to-know-you card game, or even a more structured conversation during which you agree that each person will get to speak in turn.
It’s also fine to say, in the midst of conversation, “I’m getting information overload. Can we pause for a second?”
Dear Eric: Donation etiquette triggered a pet peeve of mine, and perhaps you have a solution.
My wife and I make it a habit to do the bulk of our donations in December as I’m sure others do. We give a nice donation to a dozen or more what I call “mail-in charities” that solicit us by mail.
The problem is for the next year on a daily basis I am dealing with a full mailbox of these same organizations asking for more money. I’m sure some are spending more than we gave in December.
How do I give once a year and stop the neverending request for more?
If nothing else, it helps the post office.
– Don’t Ask
Dear Ask: A simple solution may be to make a one-time call to these so-called “mail-in charities.” Request that you be connected to their donations office, noting that you’re a current donor. Once connected, explain that you are happy to continue giving but that you need to be removed from their mailing list.
You may want to ask how soon you can expect the change to go into effect and if they share their list with any other charities. It’s possible that your name may have ended up on other organizations’ solicitation lists and so you might have to call them, too. Ask if you can expect the change to be permanent or if you’ll need to call every year.
Ideally, these organizations use a donor management system that has an easy “do not mail” function and they can quickly comply. This isn’t an unusual request; they have to go through the same process when a donor moves or passes away. But they’ll surely be grateful to know that you still intend to contribute.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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