Dear Eric: I am 64 years old and I have a wonderful son and daughter-in-law. They have 4-month-old twin boys and my 2-year-old beautiful autistic grandson.
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I worked in management in the corporate world for many years. As my children married and moved into their own home, I provided them many things: appliances, a car, help with the down payment. They have always been very appreciative. They have never asked me for anything; I have always offered. We have a beautiful relationship.
I retired early so I could babysit my 2-year-old grandson. I started when he was 4 months old. I cut down my bills greatly so I could do this. I live in a tiny home on the kids’ property so we can have our separate lives.
The problem is, watching their children is very taxing. I really have no life. They’ve adjusted their schedule, so I only watch the children seven hours a day instead of 12, but it’s still too much. I have five years before these children go to school, and I feel so trapped.
They cannot afford daycare and even if they could we don’t want the children in daycare. They have no other relatives that can help.
I’ve chosen to do this. I’m just not sure what to do to have some sort of life beyond my family. I’m so exhausted all the time.
What should I do?
– Exhausted Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: You’ve sacrificed and given a lot. It sounds like you were happy to do so, but it’s still important that it’s said. It’s also important to acknowledge that help happily given can sometimes still be burdensome.
To that end, talk to your son and daughter-in-law about what’s going on with you and enlist them in helping to come up with a plan that works for everyone.
It’s absolutely OK to say, “I changed my life so that I could help; I still want to help, but it’s not sustainable for me to keep helping in the way that I have been.” And then talk to them about what an ideal situation would look like for you and ask to brainstorm together how that can be achieved.
The solution may involve options that aren’t their first choice, like a day or two in daycare per week, but are still healthy for the kids. That’s OK. Right now, it sounds like you don’t have any choice (or at least that’s the way you feel). This isn’t sustainable long term.
You don’t have to hide the reality of their lives from them. You’re a part of their lives and it will empower them and you to tell them what’s going on before it becomes a crisis that threatens the whole arrangement.
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Dear Eric: My sister divorced her husband over three years ago. About a year later, she had the man she had been having an affair with move into her married home.
This man swears in front of my nephew. He’s made comments about hitting my sister if she did or said something he’d disliked. He constantly makes belittling or offensive comments.
I’m deeply concerned about the negative impact my nephew’s toxic and narcissistic mother has had on him.
It’s exasperating to talk to my sister as it usually ends up in a screaming match when things don’t go her way. My mother is worse and anything I say, I’m either villainized or completely dismissed. My mother backs my sister 110 percent and anyone who stands in her path will be demonized, including my father.
Currently my father wants to evict this man from the house (my father bought it for my sister and her then-husband but it’s still in my father’s name). I’m worried where all this will lead and the impact it will have on the family dynamic, more importantly my nephew.
I just need advice on how to proceed as I feel like this toxic family dynamic is likely to implode at some point.
– Family Peace
Dear Family: If you fear your nephew is in danger, you need to contact Child Protective Services. I don’t write this lightly, but if the threat of abuse is present, or if he is being mistreated in other ways, it’s necessary to get support.
Taking a step back, if your nephew is safe but nevertheless in an environment with people who are making unhealthy life choices, his relationship will be really important as he’ll need external support and role models.
Invest your energies there, rather than in trying to debate with your mother or inserting yourself into the conflict between your father and this man. There’s a lot of tension here; there’s a lot of unhappiness here. You can’t change all of it, but you can be a steadying and positive presence for your nephew.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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