Dear Eric: My 93-year-old mother is in an assisted-living facility. She has been there for 2½ years.
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Her decline began when she lost her brother with whom she lived. She has not been able to deal with his death and has lost the will to live.
She stayed with me for one month following his death but wanted to return home so I agreed on a trial basis. I need to mention that she takes many medications, one of which she needs every four hours. I have been managing her meds for years.
Six months after she returned home, I found her unresponsive because she OD’d on one of her meds on purpose.
She would not accept a health aide coming to her home because she says they steal from you. I couldn’t risk taking her back to her home and she didn’t want to live with me, so she said she wanted to live in assisted living.
I sold her house, which she agreed to at the time, and now she regrets it.
Now she is miserable and she has the beginning of dementia. I cannot bring her to my home because of the need for someone to watch her 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t harm herself.
All she does is cry and says she is depressed. She is putting the guilt trip on me, and I am having a hard time dealing with this. What can I do to feel better about this situation, and am I doing the right thing by keeping her there?
– Feeling Guilty
Dear Guilty: I’m so sorry for the situation you and your mother are in. It’s important for you – and for her – to remember that a lot of this is beyond anyone’s control.
You’re making the best choices available to you. Your mother may not always like those choices, but you’re not acting out of malice. Emotionally or cognitively, she may not be able to fully process this. That’s something you may have to accept, just as you’ve accepted and accommodate her other health challenges.
Talk to her care team at the assisted-living facility or her primary caregiver about getting her support for depression. You write that she never fully recovered from her brother’s death and that she made an attempt on her life. Her grief may be overwhelming and making her current situation even worse. These aren’t things that you can take away, unfortunately, but there is help available for her.
Dear Eric: My husband and I are retired. He is 81, and we have been married for 29 years. In the last several years he has refused to get rid of anything.
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We downsized five years ago. During the move, he was to go through the basement, work bench and garage. Unfortunately, he got rid of barely anything. I was able to get him to donate some coats he could not wear but that was about all.
Currently our basement and garage are full of things he has not used in 20 years. He no longer does much around the house, so all these tools and things are just cluttering.
Whenever I approach clearing things out, he gets upset and says no way. This has caused me a lot of stress.
Please help.
– Too Much Stuff
Dear Stuff: Your household will likely benefit from the help of a third party, who can work with him and relieve you of the burden of convincing him to downsize.
It sounds like it’s not a shared value, so the first step would be establishing what you need, and hearing what he needs. If he is hoarding things, or if his belongings create a dangerous environment, for instance, then one of your stated needs should be safety – for yourselves and anyone who might enter the home to help you.
The conversation then becomes about whether safety is a shared value and what you can do, together or separately, to honor that value. In this instance, he may not be motivated to fully downsize, but he could see how his habits are impacting you and work on remedies.
A senior manager or professional downsizer will be really invaluable here. Often, the prospect of downsizing can seem too cut-and-dried – one day you have your things; the next day you don’t. A skilled downsizer will listen to you, help you identify what’s important – emotionally, logistically, financially – and work with you to edit. This may be a helpful readjustment for your husband.
Talking to a downsizer may also help you to identify what of his belongings feels bothersome to you and what’s just stuff. That distinction may help you to investigate and honor your feelings, which can reduce stress.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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