DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a nice friend who goes out of his way to do kind things for me. I’m an independent woman, but I’m also a new real estate agent who doesn’t make much money yet, so I appreciate it when he picks up the bill!
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He has previously expressed romantic interest in me, which I thought I had quashed. But three times in the past four days, he has paid for outings and/or meals for me. In one case, out of a group of six people, I learned that my meal alone was on him (which he says was an accident). The next night, at another group dinner with friends, he pulled the waiter aside to pay for my meal and no one else’s.
After the third event where he tried to pay, I put my foot down. We are not in a romantic relationship and I want to keep it that way. After dinner, I said, “Thanks! I sent you $50 electronically.” He then lost it and told me to leave.
I asked why he keeps insisting on paying for me, and he said I’m the only one who has a problem with it.
I know there are much bigger problems in the world right now, but I was raised to say “thanks” and contribute where I can.
I’ve tried using humor — joking that he’s my dad, hoping he gets the message. His constantly paying for me, but no one else in our group of friends, makes me feel controlled and uncomfortable.
I want to continue to be friends with this person, but don’t need him paying my bill every time. Can you think of another way to send this message?
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GENTLE READER: While falling short of making you feel like his wife, your friend’s actions declare him to be your date. But as that was without your consent, and far from your intention, Miss Manners is afraid that you have to insist that his paying for your meals has to stop.
If he persists, you must explain that it will not result in his being promoted to your boyfriend. Instead, it would lead to his no longer being your friend of any kind.
You might add that you would regret that outcome, if you want to soften the blow.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Will you please write something about people not talking from their windows, especially from a second-floor window to someone below at the door?
GENTLE READER: While she agrees that it is impolite to yell at all hours and disturb the neighbors, Miss Manners cannot agree to the more absolute ban you seek. It would do away with a sizable portion of the opera and musical theater repertoire.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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