Dear Eric: In these financially tight times for some of us senior citizens, I find myself being asked for a lot of gifts. Where can I draw the line without offending?
Read more Oviedo charter amendment would require supermajority for annexations
Recently, I gave an expensive engagement gift. Emily Post used to say if you gave an engagement gift you didn’t have to give a wedding gift. I will be giving the couple another significant gift for their wedding. I’m attending their destination wedding at some considerable cost to me because of my relationship with the groom’s parents.
I have now been invited to a bridal shower. I can’t attend. Must I send a gift? I have never met the bride and assume I made it on the invite list due to the engagement gift. What’s the right thing to do?
– Feel Like an ATM
Dear ATM: Short answer: You don’t have to send a gift for the bridal shower.
In addition to Emily Post’s guidance, I’ll say that you need not feel compelled nor expected to give beyond your means.
Weddings can become multipart affairs, with many different opportunities for gift-giving. The key word is opportunities – not obligations.
It’s important to remember that the main objective is celebrating the couple getting married. If you can afford to give a wedding gift in addition to traveling for the destination wedding, that’s wonderful, but the couple should not expect a gift at every event from every guest. It’s simply not reasonable.
Dear Eric: I am finding that I don’t much like getting older. My husband and I have just learned that we need to be closer to medical help, so we must sell our current home, which we love, and move.
We have two sons, both of whom we love dearly, who each want us to build a little home on their property so we can be close enough that they can help us, if necessary, but still be independent.
For many reasons we would like to build on one son’s land and not the other. How do we tell them this without giving the reasons, which are very real to us? I can’t bear to hurt either of them.
– Property Brothers
Dear Property: I’m sorry that you have to move away from a home that you love. That’s a hard transition and there may be some grief involved in it. It’s good, however, that you have a support system eager to step up and help you.
Your sons know that you can’t live in two places at once and it seems likely that they both have your best interests in mind. So, if you don’t want to give the specific reasons, it’s fine to thank them both for their offers, acknowledge that you can’t take both paths, and tell them that you’ve made the choice that makes the most sense for you.
Read more Your civic ice cream duty: Help Charlie’s choose the new ‘Sentinel scoop’ flavor
There’s no need to belabor it or debate it. The focus should then shift to how you all, as a family, can work on the logistics of the move and set you up for this new phase of your life.
There are plenty of ways that the son with whom you won’t be living can still show up and support you, be it in the form of transportation help, errands or just company. You may want to think through some of those additional needs in advance so that you can direct him if need be.
If you have the capacity, at some point you may want to check in with him to make sure he’s not feeling hurt. But this would really be for your own peace of mind and in the interests of keeping clear lines of communication open. It’s not your responsibility to manage this.
The most important thing to remember is that your sons want to help you during what might be a stressful and taxing time in your life.
Dear Eric: I just read your response to the person having difficulty understanding service agents on the telephone (“Confusing Call”).
As someone who is deaf and uses a cochlear implant, I have found a solution that works very well for me. If you use a smartphone of any type, go to “accessibility” and then “hearing” and turn on the captions.
You will get captions of everything that is being said by the other person. It has reduced my stress level tremendously when making calls to banks or telecoms.
There is also a caption service called Innocaption that does the same thing and is paid for by the federal government. Hope this helps; it took me a few years to find these services.
– Captioned
Dear Captioned: Thanks for these great suggestions. The accessibility features on smartphones (and other devices) can be game changers.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
Read more On path to stardom, Amy Victoria Reid heads ‘Into the Woods’