Dear Eric: This is a response to “Conversation Gap.” The letter writer was anxious that her 17-year-old daughter is too young to be going far away for college.
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I was a community college counselor for 30 years. I saw countless students who transferred in after failing or dropping out of a college their parents insisted they attend.
When my own daughter wanted to go to a college in Los Angeles, far from our home in Texas, I knew I had to let her. She’d only had a driver’s license for six months, yet we sent her off with a car. She knew absolutely no one there.
Some may think my husband and I were crazy. That was 18 years ago, and she is still living and thriving in Los Angeles.
Our children are not on this earth to live the lives we want for them. We’re here to support our children in living the lives they choose for themselves.
– Proud Parent
Dear Parent: Thank you for your response. Sending a child off to college (or off to job or service) can be very anxiety-provoking for a parent.
Sometimes that anxiety is connected to concerns or growth areas that a parent can help their kid address before taking the next step. At other times, that anxiety is rooted in the fear of the unknown and the parent’s desire to make the path smooth and straight for their kid.
This is normal, of course, but – as you point out – often the best way to soothe the anxiety and set one’s child up for success is by giving them the tools they need, the knowledge to use them, the room to grow, and an open door and phone line.
Dear Eric: I am a “third grandma” in a family with several of my stepchildren and now their children.
The problem is with my stepson’s parents-in-law, both of whom are lovely but annoying.
The kids have bonded with them, which is great. But the mother-in-law is almost always at their house and interferes with any attempts by me or my partner (the other grandfather) to likewise bond.
We babysit but only after both kids are in bed. I ask them to our house, but the 20-minute trip is a hassle.
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They do come to swim in my pool but most often bring Grandma No. 1. Especially if it’s a holiday or event, I will invite my stepson and daughter-in-law, and she will tell me she is bringing her mom. And later her dad.
The kids are clingy and there are too many adults for them to get to know.
I have largely given up, and nobody notices.
My stepson is sad his own father is also less involved but doesn’t see the cause. My whole career was with kids; I was a single parent; my partner was and is very close to his son. We are in general “good with kids.”
I want both of us to bond with the grandchildren and I don’t want to entertain other guests.
Do other families routinely include their own child’s in-laws in their private family activities?
– Third Grandma
Dear Grandma: I’m curious if you or your partner has talked with his son about the struggle you’re having connecting to his family. If not, it’s a good idea to do so first.
But when you do, focus on how you want things to work and how you’d like to relate to each other, rather than the problems that are currently getting in your way. It will be easier for him to address a statement like, “We’d love to have some one-on-one time with the grandkids, or with you. Is that something you can prioritize?”
Your daughter-in-law’s relationship with her mother may not be one that you can effectively shift. It’s possible that this other grandmother is feeling lonely or has a special attachment to her daughter; it’s also possible that they don’t see any issue in the relationship. It’s likely that, at least with holiday invitations, inviting her mother seems like a perfect way to get everyone together.
You probably can’t stop the in-laws from being annoying to you. But you do have the power to be proactive with your partner’s son and to make suggestions about ways that you and your partner can have the kind of contact you want to have.
Additionally, you didn’t write how old the kids are, but regardless of their age, it’s helpful to remember that parenting goes through many different stages, just as childhood does. So, your partner’s son and your daughter-in-law may be trying to manage the needs of the kids as best they can and may not realize there are other wants that are going unmet.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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