Dear Eric: I live with autism spectrum disorder and have been in regular, independent housing since I was 19.
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I’m 55 and I’ve managed to work full time for almost 10 years in spite of previous employment where I was harassed due to discrimination because of my neurodiversity. I’m settled into a new career in an accommodating environment that’s autism-friendly, with understanding bosses and colleagues.
So, my problem isn’t work — it’s my neighbors that are the issue.
For the past year and a half that I’ve lived where I am, I have faced nothing but rudeness.
People look at me funny and ask me if I’m “OK.” When I ask them why, they say I appear “fidgety.” These comments come mainly from older men, and it’s nasty and irritating.
I’ve made every effort through ongoing therapy to control it, and I do keep it to a minimum. I refuse to be medicated due to my extreme sensitivity to side effects. I’ve been on it for years and I have missed many sunrises because of the heavy drowsiness that was a side effect.
Last night, I went off on a guy for making a nasty comment about how I made him nervous. I didn’t make any eye contact and didn’t say anything except “Hello” when he got on the elevator. I was so furious.
I’ve put up with prejudiced comments regarding my neurodiversity, and I just want it to stop. Any advice on how to tune out ignorant neighbors who refuse to shut up? I’m thinking headphones as one solution, since hearing these condescending comments really trigger my hot temper.
– Not From Outer Space
Dear Not From Outer Space: I’m sorry you have to deal with these unkind neighbors. There’s nothing wrong with fidgeting and you don’t owe anyone an explanation simply for living your life.
Headphones are a great option, especially ones that are more visible (rather than earbuds). Some people also like to wear a button that lets people know how you want to be interacted with.
The goal is your comfort rather than bending yourself to the wants of strangers. So, think about what will make your life easier as you go to and from your home.
It sounds like these interactions may be contributing to a feeling of overload. That’s not good for you and it’s not what you want, so you should feel empowered to take proactive steps so that you feel most comfortable and can plan to avoid them.
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Dear Eric: I am a single person with nine nieces/nephews ranging in age from 16 to 40. I have a sizable estate, some of which I would like to leave to them.
Unfortunately, the two oldest ones have situations where I’m not sure I want to leave them anything. They are the children of my sibling to whom I am closest, a sibling who also does favors for me.
The oldest is living at home and unemployed and has no consistent work history. The second oldest is financially set and does not need my money.
How do I navigate this situation with my sibling? I suspect there will be hard feelings if the two are out of my will. I am grateful for the help this sibling provides but do I reward the two children because of the sibling’s help to me?
– Estate Division
Dear Estate: As I like to say, money talks but it mumbles, so it’s helpful to be clear with yourself and with those you leave it to about what you’re trying to do or say with an inheritance.
Of course, you’re under no obligation to leave anything to anyone. You can divvy up your estate any way you see fit. But it’s not clear to me what you’re trying to accomplish by leaving out the oldest two.
In the case of the unemployed one, it seems you don’t want to reward a lack of initiative, but with the other it seems you don’t want to reward an appropriate amount of initiative. This could be confusing for everyone. If there’s enough to go around, what’s the harm in leaving something to everyone as a gesture of your love, even if the amounts are different?
Think about what you want your money to accomplish after you’re gone. You can’t compel someone to work or to work harder by giving them money or withholding it from them. Not effectively, at least. But if you’re concerned about hurt feelings, as you say you are, it’s best to have any conversations you want to have now.
Any of your nieces and nephews could turn out to be good or poor stewards of your estate. If there’s something you want them to do or something you want your money to do, you should try to put that into motion now.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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