Dear Eric: My kids, ages 15, 18 and 23, were having a discussion about post-World War II racial discrimination while we were having dinner in an IKEA cafeteria. There was a Black family sitting directly behind us.
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I was concerned about my kids saying the words “Black people,” because I was afraid that the family might overhear the term out of context and get the wrong idea.
It got me thinking about how our conversation might induce fear, anger or hurt unintentionally. When I brought it up to my kids later on, they felt that because they weren’t saying anything derogatory that there was nothing wrong with it.
I disagreed and offered that there might be a better choice of words, like “Black Americans” or “people who are Black.” I felt that more formal wording might reassure the accidental overhearer that their race was not being referenced as the butt of a joke.
I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with saying “Black people,” my objections were only circumstantial. My kids contend that this is due to my age. I’m 46, grew up in the ’80s and ’90s; my kids say things are different now.
They don’t think they should have to censor their conversation, because their intentions are good and their support lies with Black people, not against them. I don’t feel that my childhood was much different than theirs. In a lot of ways, I think racial issues have gotten worse since I was in high school.
I aim to be empathetic, curious and open to learning and correction in matters of race. I would appreciate the opportunity to learn from your experience, and the experience of your readers.
– Careful Conversation
Dear Conversation: What’s great about this issue is that everyone has the best intentions.
I can’t speak for this other family, but it seems there’s largely a semantic difference between the phrasing your children were using and the ones you suggested. The most important thing is context. So, if the family overheard a phrase that caused a question, they could either ignore it and move on, or they could listen to gather more context. The context you described seems fairly benign.
Being aware of one’s context is important; it’s always kind to be mindful of how your words, tones or actions might come across to someone who doesn’t know your intentions. But it’s also important to trust that these other people had the power and autonomy to engage or not engage in whatever way they saw fit.
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Dear Eric: I am flummoxed. I am not understanding the absence of mannerly behavior in the generations past my own (I am a boomer, perish the thought).
In the past year I have: hosted a shower for two professional people I know who were getting married; hosted the best woman and her partner at said wedding; hosted a friend and her partner at a private party at a private club; sent a baby gift to children of a close friend; participated in a master’s graduation celebration with a substantial monetary gift to the graduate; and at the request of a friend invited her and her partner to a dinner at my private club from which they backed out at the final moment citing a birthday party for a good friend.
My beef? Not one of these people has yet to thank me for my efforts. Not the couple who were the focus of the shower, not their attendant who stayed at my home, not the bridal couple whose wedding I supported personally and financially, not my nephew who received my congratulations, wines and money for his masters’ degree, and not the friend who bailed on a special dinner at the last moment.
These are all nice people, people I enjoy and admire, but what is wrong with them that they only receive things and can’t be bothered to acknowledge gifts of support, time, experiences and life moments?
– Unthanked
Dear Unthanked: Simply put – I don’t know what’s wrong with them. It’s been said before in this column and I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face: expressing thanks is not a lost art. We don’t have to decipher hieroglyphics to learn how to write a thank-you note.
Things come up, obviously. People forget. It happens. But you don’t have to grin and bear it, especially when you’ve gone out of your way so often and received no acknowledgment.
So, tell them. “I was happy to give of my time or my resources, and I didn’t do it for recognition, but I was disappointed that I didn’t hear from you.” Each of these is a unique case, so the reasons or response will be different. But hopefully they are all polite enough to acknowledge your feelings and make it right.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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