Dear Eric: A year and a half ago, I moved in with my mother. It was her idea, as I was having financial and health difficulties. I resisted at first, but eventually it became my only option.
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My life situation improved for a while, but I recently resigned from a stressful job at her urging.
I am close to retirement age and have had difficulty finding and keeping a job since a career-ending “layoff” almost 15 years ago by an employer that was downsizing.
I am extremely stressed out by the rejection emails and am easily agitated. She, at the same time, is ultra-sensitive to me expressing any form of frustration. She can’t even tolerate a simple sigh in her presence. If she hears or senses me getting frustrated, she lashes out, sometimes calmly and other times angrily. And heaven forbid I try to defend myself.
A lot of her intolerance stems from her miserable life with my narcissistic father, whom she divorced nearly 10 years ago after more than 50 years together.
I am keenly aware of the fact that she is easily triggered by any display of frustration or anger. I don’t think I’m a narcissist, but I definitely inherited his short temper, and I walk around on eggshells because of it.
I try to make up for my shortcomings by doing all of the household chores, but I want to do more and just don’t know how.
I feel like a failure as a daughter and a failure as a human being. I don’t know what to do.
– Struggling
Dear Struggling: You are not your circumstance, and you are not your worst day. You have value and even though you feel right now that all of your efforts are for nought, please remember that is not the full story.
Try to create a little space in your relationship with your mother. Look into volunteering, or a hobby club, something that will get you out of the house and remind you of what it’s like to interact meaningfully with other people.
Also consider therapy, if you have insurance, or a support group, some place where you can express your frustration without it triggering your mother.
Right now, everything is “about” so much more than it’s really about. Your sighs become about your father; the chores become about your guilt. Try to disentangle some of that by practicing having conversations that aren’t as charged with people who can listen and not react.
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Dear Eric: This response is in reference to the 64-year-old grandmother taking care of twin boys and a 2-year-old grandson who has autism (“Exhausted Grandmother”).
The 2-year-old is eligible for early intervention services. Depending on the state where they reside, the services will vary. Regardless, the child needs intervention immediately. At age 3 he will be eligible for a school-based program. Autism Speaks (autismspeaks.org) can help point her in the right direction.
Early intervention is so important. Her community may also offer different types of support services and social events.
Each child with autism has specific needs. Experts can help the grandmother establish routines, deal with behavior, improve language skills and address other issues — thus making her time a bit easier.
Hope this helps.
– Resources
Dear Resources: Thank you for this response. The family may not be aware of how much help is available to them or where to go to find it.
Dear Eric: This is in reference to the letter from “Exhausted Grandmother,” who retired early to take care of her grandchildren but was feeling overwhelmed.
An option they might not have thought of: Try organizing a childcare co-op. Get four or five families together and hire a creative, energetic person who is familiar with special needs as well as early childhood development. Rotate houses so each day of the week a different parent or grandparent works with the provider/childcare leader in caring for all of the children. Families pool money to pay the provider a decent hourly wage.
This has benefits for the adults — adult companionship and support while doing the demanding work — as well as for the children — socialization with other people in a small family grouping, familiarity with a variety of places and creative activities.
This arrangement was a lifesaver and genuine enriching experience for our children when our families were either too far away or too ill to help. It helped me offer consistent loving care at home to our children and those of our co-op families while grieving the death of my mother.
– Co-op Booster
Dear Co-op Booster: It will take some legwork, but it’s important for the letter writer and her family to have community connections, and she’ll benefit from being able to rely on other adults.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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