DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, after a long and unhappy marriage, I finally found the strength to leave my husband. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but I knew I needed to do it for my own well-being.
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Because our son was in high school at the time, his dad and I agreed that we would leave it up to him whether he wanted to split his time between us.
For a few years, that arrangement actually worked well. I was grateful that we could both stay present in his life in a way that seemed to feel stable for him.
But when the divorce became final and his dad moved away, something shifted. My son stopped talking to me. I still don’t fully understand why. I’ve replayed conversations in my head more times than I can count, wondering if I missed something or could have handled things differently.
I haven’t given up hope, and I don’t plan to. He is my son, and I love him deeply — that will never change.
What I struggle with now is something that may seem small, but that catches me off guard every time: People asking me, “How is your son?”
I never quite know how to respond. I don’t want to overshare. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. But I also don’t want to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. Sometimes I feel a lump in my throat before I can even answer.
What would be the best way to answer this question?
GENTLE READER: If you demonstrate that things are not fine, a reasonable person is going to worry about you. And while there are people who live to worry, Miss Manners doubts that even they are happy to take on the job on behalf of people with whom they are not close.
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This makes your preconditions challenging. She does not say this either to make light of your situation or to reject your challenge.
The etiquette answer is to say, “We haven’t spoken recently, but I understand he is doing really well. Thank you so much for asking.” That answers what you were asked, yet should make it clear that you are not open to casual questions about him.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When introduced to someone who has a strong accent and you cannot understand their speech, how should this be handled? I usually politely ask them to repeat their statement, but what do you do when you still cannot understand them?
GENTLE READER: It depends on how much you need to understand them. At a cocktail party, nodding and smiling may suffice. In other situations, you might have to ask them to write it out or, in commercial situations, transfer you to someone else.
Miss Manners finds that taking the blame upon oneself is an easy way to avoid hurt feelings: “I’m so sorry, I’m having trouble hearing you — would you mind writing it out for me?”
Just don’t use this line in a doctor’s office, where you would risk being sent to the audiologist.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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