Dear Eric: Eighteen years ago, I got into a relationship with someone who was separated from his wife.
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He was upfront about never wanting to remarry, and in no hurry to get divorced either. To this day, she lives in the house that he had built.
It does upset me that they text every day or talk several times a week. He’s always paid for everything for her because he says it’s his fault she has no income because he wanted her to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. I’ve never taken any money from him or asked him to cover anything for myself or my children.
Now he may have an illness that hopefully has been caught in time. However, he says to me if things should go south, he wants me to have my personal things from the house we’ve made together and then split everything else with her.
Not to sound greedy, but for the last 18 years, I’ve bought his clothes, shoes, groceries, and taken care of him. She has done nothing but take and take and take.
She’ll have his Social Security, life insurance, checking accounts and a waterfront home that’s totally paid for. I have the pleasure of packing my personal belongings from the house that he rents, but anything of value, he’s expecting me to share half with her, even though it was something he and I both enjoyed purchasing together.
I told him he and I should discuss this, and he said he’s not discussing it anymore. I’m absolutely crushed. Are my feelings justified or am I coming off as selfish?
– Broken Heart
Dear Broken Heart: Your concern is justified. You’ve built a life together, gotten entangled emotionally and financially, and his thinking is disempowering to you at best. At worst, it could wreak havoc on your finances and living situation.
While he may be in a committed relationship with you, it’s clear that his connection to his estranged wife is still very strong. Some might say that relationship never really ended. If that works for everybody involved, fine. But it’s clear that it doesn’t fully work for you.
The work in front of you is figuring out what’s changeable and what you need to accept. First, if you don’t already have clarity about what is shared property, get it. Talk to a lawyer about what your rights are; if your name isn’t on the lease, change that.
Protecting yourself financially is paramount, but it won’t change the pain you’re feeling. That’s something that you and he need to work on, perhaps in therapy. Even if he won’t discuss his wishes for his property, he needs to be willing to discuss your relationship.
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Dear Eric: My sister and I go to my mom’s house to help with house chores that she is unable to do due to her age and disability.
I sometimes pull out boxes upon boxes to look for any important paperwork or pictures or just things that our mother would like to leave behind to my other siblings. We are a family of five children, and I like everything organized and put in place.
What I am trying to do is ask our mother what to do with her “stuff.” I don’t want to wait until after she passes and end up arguing with siblings. I am the Power of Attorney of her estate.
Lately, it looks like our mother doesn’t want me looking through her things. How can I explain that this needs to be done before she leaves this earth and us kids end up fighting over petty or valuable things?
– Not Making It Easy
Dear Easy: One thing that I don’t see in your letter is an indication that your mother asked for this help. Maybe you did, or it was assumed, but either way it should be revisited.
It seems like your mother doesn’t feel she’s being meaningfully involved in the sorting of her possessions, and so it may feel to her that she’s being treated like she’s already gone. And while she may be empathetic to the incredible stress and confusion that can come from sorting through a loved one’s belongings after death, that may not be top of mind for her because she is still alive.
So, I’d suggest backing up a little, telling her that you got a little over your skis, and ask her for permission and direction. And if she says that she’s not up to sorting through her things right now, accept it.
It’s up to you and your siblings to avoid fighting over her things. That may be easier said than done, and your mother can certainly help by creating an end-of-life plan and a will, but some future fight should not be her present burden. Nor should it be yours.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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