Dear Eric: My husband and I always disagree about when to throw out food. This has been a 21-year battle.
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He went to a four-day conference and left our dogs ground chicken which made them very sick for three days. I was furious and disposed of everything in the freezer that was undated or over a year old, and out-of-date refrigerator items and canned goods.
I replaced everything I remembered and told him my credit card was available to him for whatever else he wanted to replace.
He returned home and had a massive tantrum between verbally berating me and the silent treatment for three days.
I have shown him food safety charts from the health department, offered to change grocery chores with him, you name it.
When offering solutions, keep in mind we are not impoverished, have separate bank accounts and divide expenses and I cannot physically grocery shop because I am extremely mobility-impaired. Please advise.
– Waste or Waste Not
Dear Waste Not: There’s no reason nor excuse for him to berate you about this. That’s unacceptable.
Food may not go bad on the exact sell-by date, but it does go bad, as you and your poor dogs experienced. Furthermore, since you paid to replace the food, he doesn’t really have anything to grouse about, save for any perceived salvageable food.
What I don’t see in your letter is his metric for judging a food item’s safety. If you don’t know it, ask him how he judges whether food is still good enough to eat. Clearly, you both have different standards, so one option may be to simply agree to disagree and separate your food just as you do your bank accounts.
He needs to acknowledge that part of your frustration stems from being left to care for and clean up after the dogs. That’s the flint, but that’s not the kindling. He has to figure out a different way of communicating with you about this.
If you can’t agree on when food is no longer good, then you should agree on measures you both can take so that it doesn’t come up in conversation anymore. This isn’t ideal, but lightning rod subjects tend to indicate areas where a couple would benefit from a neutral third party to help them sort through what the other is saying.
If you can’t agree to disagree, see if he’ll agree to talk about it with you and a therapist.
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Dear Eric: My 21-year-old child responds only sporadically to texts and phone calls, often going days or weeks without a response.
They live across the country with their other parent during the summers and holidays.
When I get the chance to see them face to face, which is once a year if I am lucky, it is as if no time has passed and has the same warm, loving feeling it always had.
Not talking to them or being invited into their life has me confused and sad.
How to deal with or heal the lack of communication aside, I am planning on asking my partner to marry me and I’m not sure how to communicate this to my child and how to approach their presence at the nuptials.
My partner is not keen on the idea of a wedding without all of our children there.
My child’s lack of response combined with their noncommittal attitude toward a visit with me makes planning a small family wedding a difficult task. Do I proceed with a wedding/marrying someone who makes me truly happy without my child in attendance?
– Happy About the Future, But Missing My Kid
Dear Happy: It’s possible your kid is in a transitional phase of life and still figuring out how to manage time and balance priorities. Parent-child relationships are often taken for granted as the child grows into adulthood and both sides have to readjust to different expectations.
So, it’ll be helpful for you to take the lead on coaching your kid into the next stage of your relationship. That might look like having an open, no-fault conversation about what you’d like – be it more visits, a regular call day/time or something else. This will probably take some trial and error, but by voicing your desires, you empower your kid to step up and meet you in the middle.
Even if this is a less-than-smooth process, you needn’t put your wedding plans on hold. Indeed, you can use the upcoming wedding as a catalyst, telling your kid the news and making specific asks about their presence and participation.
If you, for instance, want your kid to develop a stronger bond with your partner and the other kids prior to the wedding, you can say so and suggest a trip or even a series of Zoom calls to facilitate that.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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