Dear Eric: Recently a friend of mine sent me a clipping of an obituary of my ex’s father.
Read more Orlando Sentinel 150: Monday Memory of Space Shuttle Endeavour’s piggyback final flight from Florida
She and I divorced a long time ago and I am now happily married. She cheated on me, which she admitted to after we were divorced.
Now I keep having visuals of her cheating in the back seat of her car while I waited on her to get back from nursing class. This happened many years ago but seeing her father’s obituary triggered these unpleasant memories. What to do?
– Bad Memories
Dear Memories: It’s unpleasant but not uncommon for the vestiges of old traumas to float back up to the top of our minds unbidden, especially when triggered by something like the obituary.
You might feel the impulse to resist them as a way of getting them to go away. But it’s possible that that resistance is the thing that keeps these mental images coming back.
There may be something still unresolved for you about the dissolution of your relationship and your ex’s cheating. This would make sense; it was an awful betrayal and likely created shockwaves throughout your life.
There may also be a question lingering about what you’re supposed to do with the information about your ex’s father. An empathic impulse may want to send condolences, even as the rest of you suspects that maintaining the distance you have is the best option.
It may be healthiest, then, to acknowledge that there is old grief and new grief intermingling. Something as simple as saying to yourself, “I wish what happened hadn’t happened; it changed me; this new information makes me sad but there’s nothing I can do about it” may take some of the power out of these memories.
It may even be helpful for you to mentally wish your ex peace, wherever she is and whatever she’s going through. This doesn’t mean condoning what she did in the past; it’s just releasing her and these new mental images.
Unpleasant thoughts are sometimes a part of our brain asking for attention, but we can determine what kind of attention to give.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 30-plus years. He’s a great guy in most aspects, except for his hygiene.
Read more NASA spacecraft discovers a huge new crater on the moon
He doesn’t brush his teeth enough, he doesn’t take enough showers, he doesn’t use deodorant. For some reason he has taken to wearing hoodies even when it’s warm out, contributing even more to this “smelly” issue. His hands are sticky when I try holding his hand.
I say something every so often, but he accuses me of criticizing him too much.
This has caused a cessation of intimate feelings from my end as you might well understand.
Please advise me as to what to do about this “sticky” situation.
– Not-So-Smelly Spouse
Dear Spouse: While there is room in many relationships for slight differences in personal hygiene preferences, your husband’s habits are more extreme, at least from your description. Setting aside the danger he could be putting himself in, health-wise (the lack of dental care is especially concerning), this isn’t something you simply have to accept about him.
There may be underlying issues or traumas that cause him to neglect personal hygiene practices. He doesn’t have to just live with this, if he doesn’t want to. Wearing the hoodie in all temperatures, for instance, suggests there could be something else going on, but he has to want to look into it. You can encourage it but if he’s not open to feedback, you may not be able to make him get help.
However, as with any other point of contention in your relationship, he needs to hear what you’re communicating and communicate effectively back to you.
He’s free to do what he wants with his body, of course. But his choice is impacting you and your marriage, and it behooves you both to find common ground.
Talk to him again using this framing. You can acknowledge his bodily autonomy and tell him that you’re not trying to criticize him but rather you need his help with this issue that you share. You might point out that you’ve wanted to express intimacy physically but have been unable to and ask if he’s noticed that. Then have a conversation about what you can both do to reach each other again.
The benefit of this kind of conversation is that it de-personalizes the issue a little bit, which is helpful in the short term. Also, it can show you areas where you’re not communicating well, which can help in the long term. Lastly, it invites you both to think creatively. There is more here that’s on his side of the street, but by sharing your experience you invite him to at least meet you in the middle.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
Read more Today in History: September 21, Rocky Marciano undefeated after knocking out Archie Moore