Dear Eric: I am currently going through a terrible divorce that has left me nearly destitute in my mid-40s with a 3-year-old child to raise alone.
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In one last-ditch effort to save our home, I decided to take in a renter. My cousin, who is also experiencing financial difficulties, agreed to move in for one to two years to help out.
I also live with chronic pain and several autoimmune diagnoses. Maintaining my health and stress levels is a delicate dance that I struggle with constantly on top of now experiencing this difficult divorce and unexpected single parenthood.
Two days after my cousin arrived, he confided in me that the reason he moved in was because he had a premonition that sometime in the next two years something permanently debilitating will happen to me, and that my 75-year-old mother will die suddenly.
I’m not sure if it’s rational on my part (or his) but I feel deceived by this and like a black pall (literally) now covers a situation which had otherwise seemed so positive and life-affirming.
At the time when he said this I was shocked and the only thing I managed in response was that it wouldn’t really be a surprise since my illnesses are degenerative, and I of course am getting older, but now I find that I don’t really even want to be around him as his words have left me feeling emotionally bruised, battered and deflated to say the least.
Am I supposed to be grateful for this information? How do I tell my cousin that his “insight” was actually really hurtful and to never mention it again or it might be permanently damaging to our relationship?
– Grave-ly Concerned
Dear Concerned: I’m so sorry for the difficult period you’re in and especially sorry that you have to deal with this highly inappropriate comment.
You should first decide if you still feel safe with this person. Talk to friends, or other relatives, to get their read of him. He may truly believe he is being helpful (though I struggle to see how). But it’s important that you have other eyes on your household.
If you do decide you need to have him stay, have a frank and direct conversation about what he said. You can say exactly what’s on your mind. “I found it very scary and hurtful to hear your premonition. That’s not information that helps me and I hope you can understand the stress it adds to my already full plate. If we are going to live together, we need to establish what’s appropriate to say and do. Is that something you can agree to?”
It’s important for you and for your child that you are being supported, emotionally and financially. If your cousin can’t exercise good judgment, you may be better off finding and vetting a roommate.
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Dear Eric: In two months, my 18-year-old daughter will be moving into a dorm room 1,400 miles away from home. Due to (what she considers) an embarrassing, chronic GI issue, she requires a private dorm room and bathroom.
She is absolutely adamant about not talking about her bowel issues with anyone, including her therapist.
I can imagine that, at some point, one of her new friends is going to ask her why she needs a room all to herself. How could she respond in a way that satisfies their curiosity while maintaining her privacy and dignity?
– Proactive in the Northeast
Dear Proactive: A solution could be as simple as saying “it’s a medical accommodation” and leaving it at that. But if she’s sensitive about even suggesting that there’s any problem whatsoever, she may have to lie and say something like “it’s what my parents want.”
Lying isn’t the best policy, of course. But she has to decide for herself that this situation is fine, there’s no shame in it and it doesn’t warrant discussion.
She will probably go through some trial and error, as is the nature of many early college interactions. But that trial and error will be helpful because it will teach her what she’s comfortable saying, which is a skill she’ll need throughout life.
She may also learn that most people’s curiosity is idle at best. She will learn that most people aren’t thinking about us as much as we think they are. Ultimately, the other students may simply be envious that she got a single and they didn’t.
It may be helpful for you to de-emphasize the importance of this scenario to her. Presumably she doesn’t have the school’s only private dorm room. There are plenty of reasons why people need or want private rooms and bathrooms. Instead of preparing to field questions about why she’s different, it will be helpful to remember that she’s more like everyone else than not.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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