Dear Eric: I got married at 23, divorced at 30. I’m now in my 40s. I don’t have much association with my ex-husband, but I do hear about him from time to time because we’re in the same industry.
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Recently, my ex started working at my company as a consultant. He’s mostly remote but has about a week of in-office time once a month.
Everything was going well at first, but I found that he was more vocal about our past than I’m comfortable with. Most people didn’t even know we knew each other, let alone were married, but suddenly I started hearing about it. He even referred to me as “the old ball and chain” in a professional setting.
This has been going on for six months now and I’m at a loss. It feels petty to say something, but I’d really like it to stop. What can I do?
– Unchained
Dear Unchained: With respect, I have an inkling why the relationship didn’t work out.
Your ex is crossing boundaries in a way that’s strange and unnecessary. There’s rarely a reason for one’s coworkers to know about one’s exes, even if an ex is in the office down the hall. It muddies the professional waters needlessly.
Since he’s not seeing the error of his ways, you’ll have to have a conversation with him about how you both can work together. Use “I” statements but be clear about what you want and what you don’t want. You might say something like, “I feel uncomfortable when people at work start commenting or speculating about our shared past. I want to keep these relationships professional and this kind of talk makes that difficult. I’d appreciate it if you would refrain from giving people details about our marriage. And it’s inappropriate for you to refer to me by any name but my own.”
It’s not petty to affirm your boundary here. He may say it’s no big deal that people know you were married, but this goes beyond knowing you were married. It seems he’s using the marriage as ongoing conversation fodder. If the most interesting thing about him is his former marriage, he might want to get a hobby or just do his work and go home.
Dear Eric: I loaned some things to a friend because she was in a pinch: a couple of coolers and self-inflating sleeping pads as well as a portable camping stove.
I made it clear at the time that I expected any of the items to be returned if I needed to use it and/or she no longer had a use for it.
In the past 11 months I have asked multiple times for her to return the items, because I do have a use for them and she no longer needs them.
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She made multiple excuses and this week she finally told me that all of my belongings had been disposed of.
For context, I am in my early 50s, and I’ve always enjoyed camping and over the decades have acquired some good-quality gear. My “friend” is considerably younger and was in a pickle because she was homeless without any electricity or water and had no place to store or prepare food or sleep comfortably.
Thankfully, she has acquired a better living situation with heat and water and electricity and a place to cook and store her food.
She said that she would look on Facebook Marketplace and Walmart to “replace” what I had lent her that had been thrown away. She referenced a couple of items of a lesser quality that were available at Walmart and the price. My camping gear is very expensive, and they don’t sell it at Walmart.
I am hurt and I am angry and I am distancing myself from her and I wonder if I am really overreacting or not.
– That Was My Stuff
Dear Stuff: This doesn’t seem like an overreaction. You did a kind thing, and you and your friend made an agreement with clear parameters. If she was having trouble storing your things, she could have (and should have) reached out to you about coming to get them.
Now, from your description, it sounds like there are a lot of challenges in her life, and the logistics of caring for your belongings may have overwhelmed her. You can feel frustration while still having empathy for her.
Her solutions for fixing what happened are well-intentioned, but she likely doesn’t have the means to fully make restitution. It may be best for all involved for you to forgive her and to accept that you’ll need to set some new boundaries in the future, should you choose to help again.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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