Dear Eric: Last year I fell and fractured my wrist and was in quite a bit of pain while healing. Then again, this summer, I fell even harder and broke the same wrist and my forearm along with a fracture of the other arm.
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Yes, I guess I’m clumsy. I’m in my 50s and in decent shape so I’m not frail but it was taking a mental toll on me for months afterward.
Several days after my second fall, my wife and I were in a store waiting in a fairly long line for a register to open. One of the clerks at the counter loudly spoke out in my general direction and laughingly asked, “So, we all are dying to know what you did to your arm!” I’ve never met this person before being in this line nor did I think they even had time to discuss my predicament among themselves to support her statement.
I was very self-conscious about it and, maybe wrongly, sternly replied back, “I don’t feel like discussing it.” The cashier then closed her register down, walked away from the counter and left the sales floor as if I had insulted her. My wife thought I had been rude to say what I said but I disagreed.
Several days later, I thought maybe my wife was correct (aren’t they always?) so I went back to the store and asked a woman working there for the manager as I wanted to apologize to the clerk whom I wronged. I explained I was having a very stressful time dealing with the fall. This woman then turned and similarly walked away from me without saying a word. It took me a minute to realize it was the same woman!
My question then is, was I being rude?
– Befuddled and Injured
Dear Befuddled: It’s possible that your tone was brusque but it’s not rude to tell people, politely, to mind their business when it comes to your body. She may have thought she was making fun small talk, but you communicated, clearly, that this was not a subject about which you were interested in making small talk. That’s more than fair.
It’s up to her to hear you, respect your boundaries and deal with whatever feelings she has about it. You didn’t owe her an explanation about your injury, and the fact that she was disinterested in accepting your apology suggests that she wasn’t the right audience for it anyway.
Dear Eric: My 90-year-old mother-in-law has been in cognitive decline for a while. In December, her physical state went downhill quickly, and it fell to me to find her an assisted living facility so she can have 24/7 care. I found it was no easy task.
I have been filling out paperwork for two months trying to get her medical assistance because the facility is $8,500 each month. During this time, I found that the normally excellent Medicare she has yearly been advised to sign up for has changed. Some slick salesperson sold her another plan, and she was cut off from rehab care.
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Her medical bills now total more than $16,000, and her monthly prescriptions run $386. My husband and I have wiped out our liquid savings of $60,000 helping to support her for the past nine years.
We don’t want to touch our retirement savings because we will face penalties and taxes. And we’d like to retire next year ourselves because we are 67. Yet now we face the fact that we will need to continue our teaching jobs and most likely each get a second job to cover what we can for her.
As a slap in the face, I found out she met someone on the internet, and she spent her savings of $42,000 sending him money in a scam. And it wasn’t a real person, just a scammer in a foreign country. I have pent-up anger and resentment that we won’t be able to retire and live our lives because of her.
Please talk some sense into me.
– Angry DIL
Dear DIL: Before you touch your retirement, take a step back and talk to a financial adviser and an attorney if you haven’t already. Obviously, the situation as it stands is not sustainable. You need someone on the outside to help you work through other options.
First, you’ll want to make sure you’re doing everything to ensure a stable future for yourselves.
Secondly, if you’re not already your mother-in-law’s financial power of attorney, make that change, then talk to a professional about her financial situation, her debt, and its impact on her estate.
These conversations could open up new avenues for you, or, at the very least, help you navigate your mother-in-law’s medical and financial journey without getting completely wiped out.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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