Dear Eric: I have a 63-year-old friend who is miserable.
She’s working a job she hates and doesn’t go out much. She is always broke, her car is about to die and she’s talking about wanting to retire soon. She has no pension. The only thing she has is Social Security and half her ex-husband’s pension.
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She blew her retirement by being scammed out of more than $20,000 for a dog. She’s embarrassed by this and beside herself at being scammed out of so much money.
On top of that, she’s been talking to a guy online for six months who supposedly lives in the States but is currently working out of the country. She claims she has done a background check on him and he cleared, and he hasn’t asked her for any money (yet), but I fear it’s just another scammer.
How do I give her advice without insulting her? I feel like she is very vulnerable and gullible and it boggles my mind how she fell for any of this. Any advice would be welcomed.
– Multiple Scams
Dear Multiple Scams: First determine if advice is being asked for. It could be as simple as listening to her and asking, “Are you looking for advice, feedback or just to be heard?”
It sounds like she’s under a lot of stress and so she may just want to vent. Showing her the respect of asking first will better set you up to be heard and trusted when and if you do offer feedback. You can even be upfront about what you’re doing. “I want to support you and I’m afraid of insulting you, but I’m also concerned about you getting scammed again. Are there ways that I can help prevent that?”
Scammers work best in the dark and in secrecy. Having a friendship that is built on communication, and honesty will help keep your friend safe.
Dear Eric: Over the past 20 years, I have raised my three daughters without the help of my ex-husband, despite my many attempts to facilitate visitations and express their needs.
He went to great lengths to hide his income, resulting in me only receiving (by court order) $354 in total per month for three girls who often saw their father by way of social media posts, taking extravagant trips to other countries, cruises, tropical beaches, et cetera, with his new wife and their children.
I was trying to establish my career in culinary arts while raising my girls, often having days that I only saw them in the morning when I kissed them goodbye on my way to work at 4 a.m. and again at night to kiss them goodnight. There were many years of struggle I experienced during this time, but I continued to push forward.
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Due to the unstable climate we are seeing in the economy, my work is no longer steady. All of a sudden I am finding it hard to make ends meet again. This has taken a toll on me mentally. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself, feeling that I am letting my daughters down, as now they are worried about how I will take care of myself.
It hurts emotionally in ways I cannot express, to feel that you are not someone who can inspire, motivate and make your children proud. This is not what they say about me, but it is how I view myself because I hate my children seeing me struggle so much.
I am at a point now where my discouragement is draining me of motivation. I don’t know how to regain the spark I need to keep pushing forward. Please provide me some advice that will help me to change my perspective
– Discouraged
Dear Discouraged: First of all, I hear you. You are not alone in this and the circumstances you find yourself in are not your fault. Any solution that you come up with right now doesn’t have to be forever.
As you’ve demonstrated throughout your journey, you’re resourceful, you’re creative, you know how to use your talents even in difficult circumstances, and you’re committed to your daughters. Those things are true whether or not you feel professionally successful.
Contrary to what you might think, this is a perfect time to lean on your daughters a little. They will probably tell you that you don’t need to have everything figured out in order to make them proud. They might be eager for the chance to help you out, be it emotionally, financially or logistically as you navigate your next step.
Opening up to loved ones is a vulnerable endeavor, but it’s so important sometimes. Shame can trap us in the dark and convince us that we have no options. Reaching out and sharing what’s going on lets in the light.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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