DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband died, his old girlfriend crawled out of the woodwork and wrote a tribute on his memory page about their “relationship from years in the past.”
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This was extremely hurtful to me. I feel like writing a response to her in the comment section of what she wrote.
GENTLE READER: Please don’t. Let your friends be outraged on your behalf while you take the high ground.
This woman is entitled to her experience, if indelicate about where and how she expressed it. This may, in Miss Manners’ mind, be an excellent reason for keeping those memory books confined to a private audience.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend who now has two children. When invited for meals at my house, she now arrives with an alternative meal for at least one child, in case either does not care for the food being served.
For instance, I invited the three of them over for homemade waffles, and the mother brought cereal for her youngest. This was not due to any dietary restrictions.
The friend’s unwitting rudeness does not astonish me as much as the poor model she is setting for her children about responding to hospitality. One should eat the food offered and not expect to be catered to. The even more basic etiquette is, when invited for a meal, one does not bring one’s own food to the host’s house.
Can you suggest any communication I could offer to fend off similar behavior in the future?
GENTLE READER: “Colton is so discerning and I want to please him. What was that brand of cereal you brought for him? I’ll make sure to have it on hand. Any other preferences I can accommodate for your children?”
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While not guaranteed to work (Colton no doubt hates that brand of cereal now and has moved on to only eating string cheese), Miss Manners hopes it will at least put the mother on blast that you have noticed the children’s pickiness and are trying to guard against it. As should she.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been sober for 26 years, and every now and then I have to decline alcoholic beverages at a gathering or at a meal. Usually the host or hostess understands, but sometimes they might persist in wanting me to have an alcoholic beverage.
I will just give a half-smile, and repeat as often as necessary, “No, thank you.”
But the reasons and persuasions given by the host or hostess might include, “Oh, it’s just one glass of wine,” or “This is a special occasion — come on” and they give a disappointed look.
Any suggestions or advice on how to politely decline these kind offers of hospitality and, sometimes repeated pressure, would be appreciated.
GENTLE READER: If kind offers turn into repeated pressure, they are no longer hospitable. Miss Manners had thought, perhaps naively, that abstinence had become more commonplace and coercion less so, and she is sorry to hear otherwise.
“I really can’t” can be added to your “No, thank you” rotation for emphasis — followed by suggesting a common alternative: “But if you have sparkling water, that would be lovely.” As a last resort, you may offer to get it yourself — or suddenly see someone else you know.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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