Dear Eric: My longtime boyfriend is a cordial, charming and intelligent professional with lots of friends and coworkers in his life. However, there is a big problem: He’s an “over-talker” and a terrible listener.
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I find myself cringing when he goes on and on about a subject, talking over other people, going down rabbit holes, or never answering their questions. Every group conversation turns into a monologue, and even our personal conversations get boring because I don’t need every detail.
In business, he’s mentioned that he has received some gentle feedback regarding this issue, but he hasn’t taken heed.
I have tried explaining that others have interesting things to say and want to contribute to a conversation, and he says he understands, but nothing changes.
When I’m at my wit’s end, I will politely interject to answer a question or cut to the chase, and then he will state how rude I am.
His verbosity has become a point of contention. I’m hoping not to leave the relationship over this, but it’s embarrassing and humiliating.
– Heard Enough
Dear Heard: For the time being, put aside trying to curb his overtalking with others and focus on the ways that you two communicate. Although they’re all related, it’s likely that your social embarrassment is exacerbating the frustration you feel with him in one-on-one conversations.
It sounds like you don’t share an understanding of how conversations go. So, it might help to take a step back and acknowledge that he talks one way (and presumably feels fine about it) and you hear him in another way (which you also feel fine about). You might then propose that you work together to find different ways of communicating.
If he won’t agree to that, however, it doesn’t just suggest an issue with over-talking, it suggests he’s not willing to work on the relationship.
Dear Eric: I’ve been having problems with the noise coming from downstairs for more than three years now.
I live in a two-family rental. Two much younger women live on the first floor.
One of them is completely rude about how much noise she makes. I haven’t had a conversation with her about the noise. It took me three years, but I finally wrote a letter, because I rarely speak to them nor they to me (and not by my choice).
It caused so much anxiety on my part to leave that letter for them downstairs. I was ashamed of myself for waiting so long and putting up with so much nonsense noise when I didn’t need to. I was simply intimidated by rocking the boat by asking for a couple of things that would make the house more peaceful.
Do you have any tips on how people can approach others, in a general sense? Yes, you have given us some very specific questions you could ask the other person depending upon what’s going on in that situation, but generally how can people prepare themselves for those conversations?
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They always seem to be much harder than they really turn out to be.
— Tough Talk
Dear Talk: Rehearsing or role-playing the conversation with a friend can take some of the stress out of the actual conversation. You can run through the worst-case scenarios you have in mind and potentially experience the relief of a reasonable exchange.
Similarly, asking a friend to accompany you can give you the support you’re looking for.
It sounds like, although your neighbors have been unneighborly, the anxiety is a bigger hurdle. So, sometimes a conversation just isn’t going to be your best option. In this specific case, you might instead ask your landlord to address it.
If that conversation also seems too anxiety-provoking, focus on modes of communication that do feel accessible to you. Also consider reading “How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety” by Ellen Hendriksen and “Not Nice” by Aziz Gazipura, a book about assertiveness.
Dear Eric: I am finding that increasingly the customer service agents on the phone have a heavy accent. My hearing is not good and even with hearing aids I am unable to fully comprehend what they are saying.
How can I politely ask to speak to someone else without appearing biased or demeaning?
I often leave these calls feeling frustrated and more confused than before. Using AI chatbots doesn’t seem to work either.
– Confusing Call
Dear Call: It’s OK to say, “I’m sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you. Is there another agent to whom I can speak?”
When you call customer service, you have a shared goal: solving your problem. If you’re not communicating well because you can’t understand the agent, no one’s goal is achieved. But often customer service agents aren’t allowed to switch you to someone else without you asking.
[Eric answered a similar question last year, and a reader offered an “alert phrase” that can help resolve such problems.]
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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